Lately..

So it's crazy to think in eleven days my little miracle will be one. I've been struggling lately and trying to mask it as best as possible. I've got a new career, Emmry's doing fairly well over all besides not eating solids still, and some insurance issues- but granted she's here I'd say she's doing great. I try and look at things from the view that our glass is half full, not empty. Mike's been traveling working and I'm home with the kids, which is perfectly fine for me until I get going fully with my career.

I've been extremely emotional every time I hear another little baby has passed with Turner's, I'm BLESSED beyond words to be able to hold my daughter in my arms and I feel horrible for the other moms. It's hard to explain. I feel terrible and sometimes I don't feel like posting much about TS or Emmry because those mommies that lost their TS baby are hurting and I don't want to feel like "bragging" Emmry up. I've had some jealousy issues lately, and I can't help it. I've cried a lot when my husband's home explaining to him that yes, she's normal but she's not. He gets me..like no one else can.

I know I'm lucky that she's here..in fact I'm VERY lucky. She's my precious baby and nothing would ever change that. But at the same time I'm scared, confused and angry. I'm scared because deep down I know the risks, I know the the talks I'll have with her explaining she's not 100% normal, and she's special. I'm confused because sometimes I wish it were easier, I wish I had a little girl I could dress up with frilly shoes that fit, and clothes that were easier to find- I wish sometimes she were not as moody and didn't constantly have feeding issues, diarrhea, and sleeping problems. I wish I could snap my fingers and miraculously have an answer as to why I was chosen and fix everything, but I know that's not possible. I'm angry because I'll have to tell her at an early age she won't have boobies like others or babies, and yes, she looks different. I'm angry because some people that have perfectly normal babies don't give them the love and care necessary, I'm angry because sometimes I feel jealous of others "normal" babies, I'm angry because sometimes I feel like I can't have a normal adult conversation without mentioning this subject and having others tell us we shouldn't have any more children because she's just too much. I'm angry because I'm complaining, yet am so blessed. I'm angry because all of our lives it's going to be a struggle to embrace.

I feel somehow things will come into place and my feelings will subside, but I also feel like I shouldn't be expected to bottle it all up and pretend I don't have these feelings, because I do. But everything happens for a reason and time heals all. I am lucky, I am blessed. I have a beautiful daughter and she means more to me than I could ever explain. I can not believe she is going to be one!!! I'm still in shock! She's so close to walking, she says da da, hi, kisses, and did I mention she is so ornery? She's definitely a blessing in disguise, and I'm excited to watch her grow!

On a Positive note - Check out these  recent pictures by Tracy Lovett!  Amazing work! Tracy Lovett