I've come to a realization that this isn't going to be easy being in Utah by myself with no communication beside my tired as heck husband after work, almost 2 year old little boy and 3 week old daughter whom I can't really communicate with either of them. So I've turned my attention to blogging to express myself with my recent endeavors with my daughters birth, life in general and possibly rediscover myself.
I always loved to journal, write poetry, and COMMUNICATE lots in high school! In fact, I was called mouth by a few teachers and always got into trouble for talking too much. I've changed. I don't know if I like this change, but I'm not mouth anymore. I guess you could call me; mom. Everything I've changed to be has been around and based about my children and my new family. I wouldn't change it for the world but I'd like to really figure out who I am anymore, since moving here to Utah every waking minute has been spent changing a poopy diaper, cooking a meal, cleaning, playing with Lego's and cars or paying bills. I've lost myself somewhere along the way, I've lost my voice that I once spoke so loudly on stage as a thirteen year old at the Miss Missouri pageant, the voice that spoke for others as the President of FCCLA my senior year, the voice that sang as a led in drama/musical theatre, the voice that cheered the football/basketball players in junior high on, the voice that screamed so loudly for the wrestlers as they had seconds left to pin, the voice that spoke up so loudly when I saw someone disrespecting someone. I want that voice back.
After realizing I've lost my voice, I realized I've been in a daze these past two years-I've been in a house so long without much social interaction that I hate going anywhere myself, I hate visitors, I hate phone calls or texts, I hate socializing! In fact my face turns beat red every time I go to the grocery store or when answer the door or just every time I'm on the phone even with the people I care so dearly about. Why?! Good question. I've become someone else possibly, or maybe I've just grown to be my own person. Maybe I like this quiet, shy, Jessica. I'm determined to get my voice back though, because I've got babies counting on me to protect, defend, teach, love and nurture them- I'm not letting them down! Being strong is the only option I have!
About Me
- Jess
- I'm just a simple young mommy who travels with my husband for his career. We have a 2 1/2 year old little boy Michael "Chase" and just added a special addition to our family; Emmry Adelynn who was born with Turner Syndrome..it's been a struggle, but she's here and I've grown so much from it! I don't have much under my belt but what I do have is a loving husband, my beautiful children, family, and LIFE! Those things mean more to me than I can ever explain. I haven't done much since graduating except becoming a mom,so I'm creating this blog to try and remind myself of who I used to be, what I am now and a way to be social again and share the journies of Emmry's life long diagnosis.
Jess,
ReplyDeleteI know exactly how you feel... I have found myself in close to the same situation... I may not have the children like you, because I may never get that opportunity... I too have found I am a shell of my old self... I hope you find your voice, and find a balance of what you want your life to be like... I am trying to fix mine... Good luck,
Kimberly
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ReplyDelete(this is jessica's sister commeting) Jess ur my little sister and yes you have changed alot but your a great mom for sure! I know we went through alot of different things while growing up but i do know you are STRONG and a LEADER BY NATURE! I look up to you jess and your my little sister you have so much that i have dreamt about and you deserve every ounce of happiness you can get! I hope you someday feel like you can talk with me heart to heart in person! I know i thank you so much for giving me these past two months to feel like an important part of my little nephew and nieces life! I know i havent always been there when you needed me in the past but i hope you know no matter what is going on with me i will drop everything for you and you great little family! i love you so very much i will never forget these memories just right this moment sitting here seeing how peaceful you look laying with emmry! Love always and forever Crystal thanks for being a great sister!
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